Some things should never be hidden in the comments.

Ello, I wish to register a complaint

‘Ello, Miss?

What do you mean “miss”?

I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

We’re closin’ for lunch.

Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Rhoelyn what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Oh yes, the, uh, the Darnassian Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

Look, matey, I know a dead Rhoelyn when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

No no she’s not dead, she’s, she’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the Darnassian Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

All right then, if she’s restin’, I’ll wake her up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Miss Rhoelyn! I’ve got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show…

There, she moved!

No, she didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

I never!!

Yes, you did!

I never, never did anything…

‘ELLO RHOELYN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

Now that’s what I call a dead Rhoelyn.

No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

STUNNED?!?

Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin’ up! Darnassian Blues stun easily, major.

Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Rhoelyn is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Well, she’s…she’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I got ‘er home?

The Darnassian Blue prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable bird, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Look, I took the liberty of examining that Rhoelyn when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

“VOOM”?!? Mate, this bird wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

No no! ‘E’s pining!

‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Rhoe is no more! She has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘er maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘er to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Er metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-RHOELYN!!

Well, I’d better replace it, then. Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Rhoelyns.

I see. I see, I get the picture.

I got a slug.

Pray, does it talk?

Nnnnot really.

WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

N-no, I guess not.

Well.

D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Yeah, all right, sure.

Khol Drake writes for you when I can’t. Please go read and love his blog.

PS: Rumors of my demise are only moderately exaggerated. I will endeavour to make some more regular updates, but at this point, the only promise that I can make is that I am not forgetting the blog or my responsibilities here. I am simply consumed by the state of the world, today.

Much love,
~Rhoelyn